Flip-Phones and Slamming Doors
by inkandpaperqwerty
Summary: Tony is the head of the Avengers, the focal point for all intergalactic hero communications, the liaison between humanity and superhumanity, and he is trying to get ready for an assault on the entire planet. He really doesn't have time to deal with the six intruders in the holding cells downstairs. Why does Steve have to be such a drama queen? Post Civil War


Author's Note: I have so much Tony rage. Literally, so much.

Die-Hard Marvel fans should read the following Author's Note and take this story with a grain of salt. MCU fans can read this without problems. You don't have to know all the characters' names to follow the story; you get whatever information you need to understand what's going on.

Given the nature of the Marvel Universe, there are a lot of characters that are not in the MCU. In the comics, everyone is always dying and coming back and dying and coming back again, everyone has been romantically involved with everyone, people travel in time and space regularly, and so on and so forth. I tried to pick the most believable comic book characters and incorporate them into the MCU for this story, but this means you have to assume certain things about their lives are different.

For example, Comic Book Kate Bishop became Hawkeye after Hawkeye was believed to be dead, and she used his original weapons. MCU Hawkeye is (obviously) not thought to be dead, so there has to be an assumption that Kate came to be Hawkeye in some other way. It's nothing you have to think too hard about, and it doesn't disrupt the flow of the story, but it might bother a die-hard.

Having said all of that, please enjoy this expression of my Tony rage.

* * *

"No, absolutely not. There's no legal standing for that. The Sokovia Accords Third Amendment makes an exception for children under the age of sixteen who unintentionally cause damage costing less than thirty thousand dollars. They cannot be charged with jail time, and the Stark Restoration Fund will cover it with a tax-deductible donation like we always do. So, here's the cheese: Mr. Murdock is representing the client in court, and if you shoot for a sentence that goes against the Sokovia Accords, you aren't getting a single hour of community service out of that kid, let alone putting him in juvie. Got it? Great. Have a nice day."

Tony snapped his phone shut—the first flip-smartphone, invented only because it was so satisfying to end calls with a sassy flick of the wrist—and shoved it into his pocket. Like his day wasn't already being commandeered by a plethora of frustrating hassles—six specific hassles he had no desire to deal with included—he had to get a call from a local prosecutor trying to bribe him for an upcoming trial.

 _Tch. Even if I did take the money and pass some on to Murdock, he wouldn't take the deal. He would get the fair sentence every time._

Which was, of course, why Matt Murdock was one of the very, very few lawyers Tony employed to take superhuman cases. He didn't trust anyone else to get the job done right and fair.

He didn't trust many people with much of anything anymore.

"Friday, leave a message on Peter's phone. Tell him I'll be up as soon as I can and to keep everyone in the common room until I get there. Also, his room is starting to smell."

"Can do, boss."

Tony continued walking down the hall as fast as he could without doing one of those awkward, chicken-looking run-walks. _We're on a tight schedule, and the last thing I need is them popping up. He really is such a drama queen._

Tony strode into the elevator and hit the button that would take him down below ground level; to the holding cells, which were actually quite cushy considering their purpose, and the annoyances therein.

His phone rang again, and he inwardly cringed before he saw who it was. He got two letters into the name and whipped his phone open. "Captain Marvel, I honestly thought you weren't going to call just because of the tequila incident."

"You sounded pretty upset in your message. What's wrong, Tony?"

"What isn't wrong? We've got an intergalactic threat—Thanos, you've probably heard of him from your Kree buddies. Or, you know, because you exist in the universe." Tony hit the button on the elevator again, despite knowing it would do nothing to make the box move faster. "You know what a big deal he is, and I need all the help I can get. I'm working on, and almost finished with, an arc reactor designed to put out enough energy to get you in your Binary form. I've got all the Hulk-y people together and working on some gamma radiation weapons and sources, too. Think you can absorb and use it?"

"I'll do what I can. I'm not on Earth at the moment, but I'll be at your tower as soon as I can. I want to try and gather some help first." Her voice crackled for a moment and then came back in clear. "—tacted the Guardians?"

Tony restrained his reaction of pure joy when the doors finally opened. "Yes. I left them two messages, but they haven't responded. I don't know if they're fighting or trapped, or if they're just busy, or if Quill is being a pain because he's Quill. If you can get through to them, I would love you for the rest of eternity and then a little more."

"Stop bringing up the tequila incident, and I'll see what I can do."

"Deal." Tony grinned, coming to a stop in front of the occupied cell and shaking his head in disapproval at its occupants. "My lovely Captain Marvel, I've got to deal with some intruders, but keep in touch. There are a few people in particular we really need on this, and you're the best liaison I have."

"Will do."

She hung up, and Tony snapped his phone shut—again, so satisfying—before putting his full attention on the detained troublemakers. "Well, here's a few faces I never wanted to see again."

"I called you five times." Steve got straight to the point with that typical, ever-irritating, no-nonsense look on his face. "You should have called back."

"My secretary never told me anything about a call, so—"

"I called the cell phone, Tony." Steve sounded like he had given the obvious answer.

Tony's brow crinkled. "That thing? Rogers, I threw that out years ago. If you wanted to talk to me, you should have called the Tower. Not my fault you're melodramatic."

Steve seemed torn between shock and extreme irritation. " _Why_ would you throw it out?"

"You said to call you if I needed you. I didn't, and I knew I never would. Hence, no need to keep the phone." Tony shrugged his shoulders and slipped his hands into his pockets, glancing at the disgruntled rebels in the cell behind Steve. "Long time no see, everybody."

And it was everybody. Ant-Man, Hawkeye, Scarlet Witch, Falcon, Black Widow, and of course… Captain America.

"This isn't the time for snappy comments, Stark," Steve snapped, raising his voice slightly. "There is a serious situation and—"

"Oh, wow, really? There's a serious situation?" Tony folded one arm over his chest and cupped his chin in his hand. "I had no idea. Who would have ever thought there was a serious situation going on? Not me. Not one of Earth's Mightiest Heroes. I definitely—" Tony stopped midsentence, his phone ringing again, and he held up a finger to indicate he wanted silence.

Once again, the name on the screen was a welcome one, and Tony answered immediately. "Brian Braddock, my other alliterated, ock-ended friend."

"Stark, you said you were unable to get in touch with Doctor Strange?"

Tony nodded his head, realizing immediately the uselessness of the gesture. "Yeah. Have you heard something?"

"He was visiting some friends in London. I informed him of the situation, and I contacted Lionheart. She's going to stay here and gather as many allies in the UK as she can, starting with Black Knight and Union Jack. I left a message for Blade before calling you, so he'll hopefully get back to us soon. Doctor Strange and I are coming to Stark Tower in a matter of seconds."

"Fantastic. When you get here, send Doctor Strange down to the lab. Tell him to ask for Fitzsimmons and Rhodey. They've been working around the clock with some of the best to make weapons we might be able to use against Thanos. Magicalness would be a great addition to whatever they're working on." Tony continued to hold his finger up, unable and unwilling to hold back a smirk at the shared expressions of surprise behind the glass. "You can come here, if you want, or you can head out to the training grounds. We've got a few people trying to master new moves before Thanos drops out of the sky."

"It would be my genuine pleasure. I'll go straight there."

"Oh, Captain, My Captain, you are a wonderful man."

"I'll stop you there. We have work to do, don't we?"

"Well, if you want to be boring…"

Captain Britain's response was to hang up, which caused Tony to laugh and snap his phone shut—just the sound it made was so wonderful to his ears. Snap. Done. Bam.

"You know about Thanos?" Steve gave him a cautious look, like he was waiting for a trap to spring. "How long?"

"Two weeks, maybe?" Tony shrugged his shoulders. "However long it's taken me to get everything together and prep." He took a few steps to the right and put in the code to open the cage, giving the scanner his thumbprint and his eye before backing away. "Look, I'll let you go, but this is the last time I'm bailing you out. Don't come around here again, especially when I'm up to my eyes in work, or you're getting arrested."

"Tony, we came to help." Steve spoke in earnest, and while he tried to keep his professionalism, there was a subtle mix of disappointment and hurt in his eyes.

 _Too bad, so sad._

"You're all fugitives of the law in more than one hundred countries. Wanda still doesn't have any citizenship or right to be here. If I cooperate with you, I run the risk of penalty under the Sokovia Accords. I won't do that."

"You don't think this is bigger than penalties? You're really going to turn down help because of regulations?" Steve shook his head, dumbfounded. "I didn't think you were like that."

Tony felt a prickle of anger travel up his spine, but he pushed it back down immediately. "You know what? You're right. This is bigger than penalties and regulations. In fact…" Tony turned around and started walking back to the elevator, "…let me show you how much bigger."

He heard footsteps behind him, and he didn't bother looking back. He knew they would follow, if only to find a reason to argue with him, to tell him how wrong and incompetent he was, to show him everything he did wrong and how they could have done it better.

 _Psh._

Tony pressed the button to open the elevator and, after a quick moment, stepped inside. "Come on, boys and girls. I think it's time you learned what you lost four years ago. For starters—" Tony was interrupted by his phone ringing yet again, and he had to put the conversation on hold to answer. "Y'ello?"

"Tony? It's Kate."

"Bishop, my favorite side lady, how may I be of service?" Tony pressed the appropriate buttons once everyone had filed in, and he hoped good news would come through his speaker.

"You can give me a million dollars, for starters. For seconds, I'm in a van with Luke Cage, Power Man, Iron Fist, and Wasp. Is there anybody else we should be looking out for?"

Tony pressed a hand to his forehead and sighed, struggling to compile the list of all his associated heroes in New York City. "Spectrum should be in the area, and we could really use her cosmic-type powers. She-Hulk was trying to get in touch with some allies; check her law firm. Agent Hill went to find Monica Chang and Slingshot, and they might need a ride. Echo has been hanging around Murdock since she figured out he's not the one who killed her father, and he's working a case, so he would be at _his_ law firm. She might be with him. Uhh… Moon Knight is the only other one I can think of right now, and I have no idea where he is. I'd have to get my list to give you more names and places."

Both elevator doors slid open, and Tony stepped out. Still talking, he motioned for the ex-Avengers to follow him. "You know the size of your van and how close you are to those heroes. Trust your gut, Bishop. You're a sharp cookie." He frowned. "Wait. No, that wasn't right—"

" _Goodbye,_ Tony."

"Well, fine then." Tony snapped his phone shut—so, so, _so_ satisfying—and continued into the room up and to the left. It was the common room where he had told his youngest members to meet several days before.

"My Kiddy Avengers—"

"Please stop calling us that."

"My Kiddy Avengers, just ignore the visitors. They'll be leaving soon." Tony put his hands on his hips and surveyed the group he had at hand. "Alright, so, here's the dealio schmealio—"

Peter groaned and rubbed his face with his hands, an action which brought a delighted smile to Tony's face. Not that Tony picked favorites, but Peter was totally his favorite, and that meant he was the best person to pick on.

"My ideal outcome is that none of you have to fight at all. You're all young, and while you're trained, we really want to do our best to avoid putting you in the heart of the fight. So." Tony clapped his hands together, taking a brief moment to contemplate his audience before spouting out orders. "Speed, go to the computer room next door and get a list of names and addresses from Friday. I need you running all over the planet, making sure every last hero we have on contact who hasn't contacted back is aware of what's going on." He pulled a handful of business cards from his pocket and held them out. "If they give you a hard time or ask questions you can't answer, tell them to call me. If they aren't home, leave one of these in a conspicuous place."

Speed gave a mock salute and disappeared from the room in a gust of wind, Tony's hand suddenly empty.

"Victor Mancha and Amadeus Cho, I have a special project for you. We have a lot of cosmic people coming to help us out, and we want to do everything we can to make sure their powers are maxed out. If you can invent or even conceptualize anything that will amplify their abilities, that would be super fantastic and wonderful." He dismissed them with a snap of his fingers and a shift of focus. "A-Bomb and Mettle. It's not really fair of me to put this on you, but life sucks, so you're going to get over it."

Both teens grinned—or, at least, it looked like Mettle grinned; it was hard to tell given his lack of skin—but they said nothing, waiting to see what their task was.

"We didn't have enough time to build the reinforced shelters like we wanted to, but we still have standard shelters all over the United States. Nobody knows indestructible metal like you two, so I want you to go and do anything you can to reinforce what we have. I don't expect you to get them all, just do your best, and make sure to write down which ones you do. I can get the information to law enforcement, and we'll hopefully reduce some casualties by placing as many people as we can in those areas."

"You got it, boss!"

"Don't feed his ego. Please."

Tony gave a shooing motion. "Go, go, go. Out of my sight, peasants."

Tony looked around at the remaining members of the team—of _his_ team, his wonderful team, a team he was ever-so-proud of—and realigned priorities and powers in his head. "Hazmat, I want you to go down to the lab and help the scientists. They're gonna need to test the things they're inventing, and you can provide radiation safely."

Hazmat—Jennifer Takeda, cute girl, shame she was always in an actual hazmat suit—nodded cheerfully and ran from the room, tossing a friendly wave to the group of intruders.

 _Don't be friendly. They're the enemy._

"Ultragirl, I hate to make it sound like you're gonna be our secretary, but you kinda are. We've got a lot of cosmic people coming in, and they're going to be fighting hard. I already said I want to avoid putting you guys in the line of fire if possible, which means everyone else who is available will be fighting. You're one of the only younger members of the Avengers that can fly, and you're fast. Our help is gonna need recharging—isotopes, fractals, compressed radiation, whatever the heck else they need—and we need to be able to get it to them fast." He jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "Head into the computer room where Speed went and get some files from Friday. I need you to read through all of them and memorize which powers get powered by what and how much."

Ultragirl bit down on her lip. "Can I make notecards? I don't know if I'll be able to memorize them all before Thanos gets here."

"No, you have to memorize them. Notecards are prohibited." Tony kept a blank face just long enough to make her blink in confusion and start to squirm, and then he laughed. "Suzy, you do whatever you have to. Just make sure you know what you need to know when you need to know it. I hate all of these sentences I'm saying."

Ultragirl let out a sigh of relief and small giggle, giving him a thumbs up. "I'm on it!" She bolted from the room, not even through the door before Living Lightning was raising his hand.

"I can fly. Should I go with her?"

Tony shook his head. "No. You can turn energy into flight _or_ electricity. Everything we're using, the experiments, the weapons, my suits—it all needs electricity to run, even with the help of the arc reactors. I want you to conserve all the energy you have and save it for electricity. I'll tell you if I need you in the air."

Miguel started toward the door. "I'll go down to the lab and see if anything needs a little extra oomph."

"Oomph it up, my man." Tony gave him a thumbs up as he walked away, continually editing the list in his mind. "Squirrel Girl, I—"

"I can control electricity, too, you know." Striker crossed his arms over his chest and scowled, as he often did—as most child celebrities often did.

"Brandon, knock yourself down a peg." Tony gave him a sharp look, a silent reminder of the many conversations they'd had about his attitude. "I do want you to use your electricity, but I want you to use flight, too. There are still some people out at the training grounds trying to master new moves. You can fly out there quickly, and then provide whatever electricity they need. And don't be a Tony Stark about it. Cool?"

Striker rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah. Cool."

"Good." Tony shifted his attention back to his original target. "Squirrely-Q, I want you and your little squirrelly friends to search every inch of this tower. I know there are weapons and plans and who knows what else shoved into deep, dark, horrible places. Find anything and everything you can, and take it down to the folks in the lab or bring it to me."

"Okie dokie!" She bounded off, cheerful as ever.

Tony let out a sigh, relieved to find the room had nearly been emptied. Peter was still standing around, probably waiting for instructions. Tony didn't give them, though. He was interested in seeing what help Peter would offer.

 _I'd love to put you in charge of all the Kiddy Avengers. I'm just not sure about your abilities as a leader… I have to see you in action._

Tony shook the thought away and looked to the other remaining students. He gestured to Star Brand—Kevin Connor, if Tony recalled correctly, and he was sure he did. "Star Brando, you have cosmic powers, but you're pretty new at controlling them. Captain Marvel is on her way to Earth as we speak, and she'll be bringing all kinds of friends. Hopefully Abyss, Miss Universe, Blue Marvel, Ex Nihilo, Silver Surfer, Quasar, Nightmask, Moondragon, and who even knows who else—will be with her. It doesn't matter. My point is, lots of cosmic people are coming. You need to do everything you can to get a handle on your powers before Thanos gets here. I want to avoid putting you in the fight, but if it happens, I don't want to say you weren't as ready as you could have been. Feel me?"

Star Brand nodded. "I'll go on the roof and practice some small things. I'll be the first person Captain Marvel sees when she gets here."

"That's why I love you, kid." Tony clapped him on the shoulders and sent him on his way before continuing, briefly wondering what kinds of looks were on his ex-teammates faces. "Finesse, you learn anything crazy fast just by watching. I need you to sit down and have the longest, most intense science documentary marathon in existence. Literally anything involving space, energy, solar power, nuclear bombs—things you look at and think, 'Thanos.'"

She turned without and word and jogged over to the TV, sitting down and immediately beginning the task. That was her way, though, and he let her stay quiet. Less teen drama, he figured.

Tony pulled his phone out and, keeping it closed and using the screen on the front, began to look through his to-do list. "Done, done, done, sent, sent, told, ordered, sent, done, done..." He sighed. "So much stuff, so little time."

"That's why you have us, Mr. Stark." Peter grinned at him, encouraging as ever.

"Oh, I know. I'd be lost without you." Tony gave him a quick smile and pointed to Nova. "You do astral projections, right? I need you to project a message to a small but important list of… I don't want to say enemies. Allynemies." He didn't like that. He'd have to change it. "I sent the list to your phone, and I think you know most of them. People like The Collector and The Grandmaster are there. They don't really like us, but they like to play games, and they definitely don't like Thanos. Elektra is an assassin, but she's worked with us in the past, and she's never _double-crossed_ us or anything, so she's pretty trustworthy." He cast a brief glance over his shoulder and glared at Natasha. "Crystal has a weird, sympatico relationship with Ronan, but she's never shown evil intention. See what she thinks about Thanos, get a reading, and trust your gut. If she can help, it would be awesome. Thor said Loki died in some heroic battle against the Dark Elves, or whatever, but we all know Loki has a terrible track record when it comes to staying dead, so he's on there, too. See if you can find him, and if you can, talk him into helping."

"You're going to let Loki help and not us?" Clint was the one who spoke up, which was unsurprising, given his history with the god of mischief.

"It's called a cost-benefit analysis, Barton." Tony turned to face them without missing a beat. "I don't trust him any more than I trust you, but he is a master sorcerer, over a thousand years old, and possesses knowledge of space and dimensions and _Thanos._ You can what? Shoot well? I've got Yondu for that. Throw a shield? I have literally twenty guys who can do me one better. Natasha? I don't need any more assassins; especially one going to pretend to be on my side and stab me in the back. If Loki is alive, and if he does help, at least he'll be honest about his intention to betray me. He has a better motivation than any of you. You would fight Thanos because, what? It's the right thing to do? It's noble? Betrayal and hatred are much better motivators, trust me. In the end, if I have to take a risk, I'm not going to waste it on average outlaws. I have a gi-flipping-normous fish to fry, and I don't need you for that." Tony gave them all a brief but scathing glare. "Now, I am busy. Shhh."

Nova glanced between the group and Tony, but ultimately decided not to make a comment. "I'll… start contacting people right away."

Tony called out to Nova as he flew away. "Contact Asgard!" Then, more to himself than anyone else, he added, "Thor can bring all kinds of crazies from Asgard and Olympia and who even knows where else. Hercules, Ares, Arkon…"

"Mr. Stark, should I try to find the missing New Yorkers? I can't fly, but I can travel pretty fast, and most of them know me. I figure they don't need any more scientists down in the lab right now, and there are people who can help at the training grounds who won't waste time with travel."

Tony snapped his fingers and pointed at Peter, pride swelling in his chest. "Smart thinking. That would be great. I don't know who all we're missing, so you would have to look at the list and talk to Hawkeye. Our Hawkeye, not that Hawkeye." He gestured over his shoulder as he spoke. "Take Gravity with you, and stay in touch. Hit the road, boys, and bring me all my pretty toys."

Peter winced. "Please, don't rhyme."

Gravity made a sour face. "Seriously, don't."

"You know what keeps running through my head? Why are you still standing here?" Tony gave a shooing motion, and then the room was empty—except for Finesse, who was enthralled by her documentary.

"So." Tony turned around to face the group. He looked at them—really looked at them—for the first time since they got there.

Black Widow, Falcon, Captain America, Hawkeye, Ant-Man, and Scarlet Witch. His old team. His old friends. His biggest source of stress for longer than he liked to admit.

"Basically, what I'm trying to say is… get lost. You want to help, you do it your own, illegal, under-the-table way. Everyone you've heard me talking about? Not even a fraction of the allies the Avengers have worldwide and interuniversally. This is possible because of the Accords, and I'm not about to put myself under scrutiny and go against them for a couple acrobats and a magician. I do that, and I stand a chance of losing the pull I have with the United Nations—the pull that has made the seven amendments to the Accords possible. New York City is becoming a safe haven for superhuman people and a hub where heroes from other worlds and dimensions come when they need help or have help to offer. I'm not about to give that up because you want to be the Star-Spangled Man with A Plan again."

"Tony, just—"

"No, Steve!" Tony shouted—for the first time in a long time, he really shouted—and it felt good. "No, I will not listen to you, and we are not going to talk this out. You didn't listen to me, or talk to me, or communicate at all four years ago. You lost your chance, and I am not giving anymore freebies. I have let you get away at least a dozen times because of our past friendship—what I _thought_ was our friendship. That's over now. You want a chance to be a part of the Avengers again, then you turn yourself in, and you go through the same rehabilitation program all our street criminals and villains do."

Tony shook his head, an almost incredulous expression on his face. "I've built something here. It's a great thing, and it does good, and it prepares the next generation to handle the threats they're going to have to face. This is _my_ legacy, and you don't have the right to be a part of that anymore." He glared at them, staring the group down and ignoring the combination of angry, hurt, and confused expressions he received in return. "So, I'll tell you again: You get out of my tower, and if I see you again, you're getting arrested. Got it? Great. Have a nice day."

Tony shouldered past them, and he hadn't even made it to the door before his phone started ringing. "Hey, Miss America, I'm glad you called. I take it you know about the Thanos thing going on?"

He didn't look back, letting the door swing shut behind him, and in that moment, he decided, given the right circumstances, the click of a door was actually more satisfying than the snap of a phone.

Much more satisfying.


End file.
